Oscar Balls
by Maggie Van Ostrand
After each of the 20,000 entertainment award shows presented in the annual frenzy of Hollywood back-patting, there's a big ball. These humongous parties are usually catered by Wolfie Puck, with guests in borrowed regalia by big time clothing designers, and borrowed jewelry from big time jewelry designers. Each guest is laden with expensive gift baskets in hopes that the manufacturers' names will be mentioned and their products displayed during the celebs' TV interviews. And they usually are.
It has been said that the outfits ripped to verbal shreds or lauded to the skies on the Red Carpet by Joan (she used to be funny) and Melissa (nothing then, nothing now), are supposed to go back to the designer next day, but such a stink is generally made, accompanied by threats ("If you make me take this gown back, I'll never mention your name again except to ruin you"), that the designer is forced to shrug and take the eight thousand dollar dress or tux as a tax loss. That's the American way.
But I'm not talking about those balls.
I'm talking about the balls of Oscar himself. Even though they remain hidden on the statuette which has no visible genitals and should fit so in with today's political correctness that he could probably get a Pixar show of his own, they are really there.
Oscar is a very macho and cutting-edge dude and that will become apparent this year when Chris Rock hosts the Academy Awards, entertainment's most venerable event (read: "gets the most viewers").
You might think Rock is in a hard place, being such a forthright person and all. It's no longer "What did he know and when did he know it?" as in Nixon's time, this is "What will he say and how will he say it?"
Will Chris be his normal naughty self and say things that will get him sent to the principal's office?
Here are a couple of Chris Rock's actual statements on the Big Event in a recently published article about his upcoming role as host:
"I never watched the Oscars. Come on, it's a fashion show. What straight black man sits there and watches the Oscars? Show me one!"
"Awards for art are f***ing idiotic."
It's easy to say, "Well, what the hell. Hollywood's tolerant." But Hollywood isn't. Recall when Letterman hosted and made Letterman-type fun of a couple of important guests (Uma and Oprah)? The collective Hollywood sniffed with disdain and never invited him back. The only thing that will save Chris Rock from the same fate is that he's BIG BOX OFFICE and keeps the public's bucks rolling in.
Besides, Gil Cates, 12-time producer of the Oscar telecast, is solidly behind Rock and issued a statement which was posted on the Drudge Report, ""The Academy is excited about Chris Rock hosting this year's Oscar telecast and looking forward to a very funny evening with him. Chris' comments over the past few weeks" (see above quotes) "are meant to be humorous digs at a show that some people, obviously including Chris himself, think may be a bit too stuffy."
Cates has quite a few other radical suggestions to improve the Oscars (read "appeal to a younger audience and get those Neilsen's higher").
Of Cates' plans to bring the Oscars into the 21st Century, Academy members are considering this one:
-- Instead of reading off all nominees' names and announcing the winner (oops, excuse me, that was changed to a "goes to" to make sensitive losers feel and look less like idiots when zoom cameras focus on their reactions), Cates plans two alternative methods (no, that doesn't mean gay nominees): Nominees (in some categories) will appear onstage as their names are read, with the winner stepping forward to accept. In "lesser" categories (read: everybody who makes films work except the actors), nominees will sit together along with the presenter of that category as s/he opens the envelope.
Hues, cries and loud protests, not to mention whining and screaming, are being voiced by some members of the Academy who feel they are being marginalized. One objector emailed Cates on Friday: "To apply some kind of PMI (People magazine index) to the nominees and make this the criterion for whether they get to go onstage or not and speak to the Academy is disgraceful to the Academy and to all of the people who work in film, whether they are members of the Academy or not," reports a trade paper.
Bruce Davis, Academy executive director, says the plan calls for seven categories to appear onstage, with three additional categories in the audience.
Cates said Tuesday that these new ideas were designed to give more face time to nominees and simultaneously allow the "go tos" more time for their speech.
According to the trades, "A number of those objecting to Cates' ideas likened the all-nominees-onstage method to a beauty pageant lineup.
"There is no way on God's green earth actors will go up in beauty pageant style to get an award," said one Oscar strategist, who asked not to be named (read: he'll never work in this business again). "It's not fair to subject editors, costume designers, DPs to that -- to take away from their experience of being nominated for an Oscar."
Nominees in the newly designed show will be at a rehearsal on February 24th, three days before the actual ceremony, except no winner, er, I mean go-to, will be announced.
The presentation of the 77th Annual Academy Awards will prove some new things: Oscar has balls, and both Cates and Chris rock.
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